Stepfamilies - not the same this time around
Stepfamilies are fundamentally different than traditional families. The established power dynamics between biological parent and their respective children are very strong and they tend to compete with the new bond between husband and wife. The children had you all to themselves before and now they have to share you with someone else. Plus, the children were familiar and comfortable with the way things were, yet now many of those things have changed. Your new spouse is often perceived as the enemy or at least someone who will disrupt the status quo. They are viewed as the one who will “take Mom or Dad away from us,” and “take my precious time away from Mom or Dad.” This is a very normal experience for those who have tried to integrate two families.
Stepfamilies can thrive
Not only can stepfamilies work well, but they can thrive. Everyone involved in a step family, no matter how hostile at first can actually end up growing tremendously as a person and coming to love their new family. Often times we simply want to stay comfortable and not face our fears. Yet, by working through what was uncomfortable at first, the adults and children within the step family can as individuals come to know themselves in a far deeper and more profound ways and experience greater happiness. Through this growth each individual can come to thrive within and love that which at first frightened them - the new stepfamily. In order for this to happen it is important to go about the stepfamily integration with the most fruitful perspectives, methods, and tools.
Our work together
We will help you implement the perspectives, methods, and tools which will help achieve successful stepfamily integration and each person to grow through the experience. Sometimes we seek to work with the whole family, at other times we simply work with both or at least one of the spouses. When working with the children and parents we provide a safe, yet effective environment in order to jump start communication between parents and the children. We will sometimes only work with the couple to unite them together in developing healthy household rules, structure and ultimately a solid loving environment for the children.
Realistic expectations
As a newly wedded couple in a step-family situation, it is important to have realistic expectations. Often times we as new spouses are full of joy and excitement about the future - as we have found this new incredible person and relationship. We may think to ourselves “since the both of us fit together so well, the rest of it should fall into place.” This may indeed happen sometimes, but not typically. The children may be happy for you, but from their perspective this is totally new and viewed as a threat to the existing dynamics and power structures they are so familiar with. Therefore, it is crucial to doing away with any “perfect family” fantasies and accepting that it is perfectly normal for the children to be uneasy and even hostile toward the newly formed family. This also means accepting that things will not simply “fall into place.” As a result, it will take time and work to successfully and happily integrate the new family. But, having realistic expectations will help you get one step closer to attaining the healthy stepfamily dynamic you are seeking.
Foster communication
In a biological family, communication and relationships between children and each parent is developed organically from birth. The children learn to view both parents as working together as a untied front from day one - the family is generally viewed as a coalition. This is not so with step families - communication between step parent and step child doesn't typically occur organically from birth. More often than not communication does not simply just “fall into place,” as the two new spouses may envision and hope for. Therefore, the implementation of communication methods and interactive rituals is vital to foster communication between the step parent and children, but also between the two sets of children themselves. The implementation of these healthy communication methods and structure can help foster safety and authentic connection within the newly formed step family. Without it, the seeds of discontent often grow within the children, whether they are verbalizing this or not.
Unified front
Each new spouse brings to the table their own parenting ideas, rules, and methods. You have been doing things a particular way with your children for a long time. Odds are you and your new spouse do not have the exact same rituals, parenting methods, boundaries, and forms of consequences. Do not feel bad, this is a normal situation which most new stepfamilies encounter. The good news is that the both of you do not have to be exactly on the same page in every possible way. However, it is important to be on the same page in some areas of life and to at least know where you both stand within each area. Any unification must be done with flexibility and premised with an understanding that the children have known it to be one way for a long time - meaning it will take time for them to get used to the new structure. With patience, unification, and the practicing of communications, the children will learn to embrace the new structure.